Important Relationship Questions

If you are thinking of getting married, are engaged to be married, or even if you are already married, there are some important questions to ask yourself:

1. Do I want to marry this person?
2. Do I want to get married right now?
3. Why do I want to get married?
4. What are my expectations for marriage?
5. How do my partner and I handle conflict?
6. Do my partner and I share the same life values/goals?
7. Have we discussed how to manage finances, desire or not for children?
8. What do we believe about how to resolve problems in a marriage/what is our commitment to marriage?
9. Do we agree on how to spend our time/money?
10. Do either of us have a substance abuse problem?
11. Has there ever been any violence in the relationship? (i.e., emotional, verbal or physical abuse)
12. Has there ever been any infidelity in the relationship?
13. What are your beliefs about sexuality/quality of your sexual relationship?

The first question may seem silly, but many people want to get married and end up marrying whomever is available at the time. Other times, a person may feel that he/she needs to make a decision right now to get married, rather than waiting for a time when the couple is better prepared to take on the challenge of marriage.

I think the word CHALLENGE is important to discuss during a conversation about marriage. I believe many people underestimate the very real challenges that will confront a couple during a marriage. Examples of common challenges are: financial problems, family relationship problems, problems with the children, sexual problems, health problems, job problems, substance abuse problems, to name just a few. EVERYONE has problems. EVERYONE. It may look like the neighbors have a picture-perfect life and the perfect marriage, but let me repeat, everyone has some sort of problems. The important point is how you handle those challenges. When times are tough, do you argue and yell and blame each other? Or do you communicate with each other that you are scared, and don’t know what to do and need each other’s support? That is a crucial distinction. HOW you resolve challenges will influence your marriage. Learning how to communicate respectfully and effectively will make a huge difference in how you resolve conflicts, and ultimately will influence the satisfaction and success of your marriage.

The good news is that you can discuss these questions before marriage and can address potential problems in advance. You can develop skills that will help you confront problems more effectively and successfully. If you already are married and are experiencing conflict, it is not too late. You can learn new skills that will help improve the quality of your relationship. For example: listening without judging or problem-solving, focusing not just on your needs, but the needs of your partner and your needs as a couple or family, and utilizing more effective ways to communicate and resolve differences. Simple and small changes in attitude and behavior can produce great improvement in relationship satisfaction and success.

Many people get caught up in the romantic fantasy of love and do not recognize that it is a real and serious commitment that requires thoughtful consideration and planning to be successful. We all know that to be successful at anything, we must put in considerable time and effort and work. Many people don’t realize the same is required for a successful relationship and marriage. It may seem difficult to accomplish, but careful attention to the questions raised above, and time and effort devoted to the relationship, will produce more satisfying and successful results.